femme fixation

When I was a poor secondary school literature student, the worst question I always encountered was

1. a) State the theme of the book “title (in our case a Shakespeare epic)”

b.) what is the central character trait of the main character

All of you know that I have delusions of grandiosity and I was writing a marking scheme for my autobiography well in advance and the answers startled me.

I am not a photogenic person, but of the rare photos of me lay a picture of when I turned eight. Not the fact that my dad had gotten me a green Tokyo trouser, or my mum a beige waist coat (three-piece as we called it). Or even bizarrely I had mix and matched this with a red anti-corruption t-shirt (an eight year old is allowed to lack fashion sense, right?) No, what is most noticeable is a pinup of Jennifer Lopez (boy, wasn’t she hot then?) with P. Diddy driving a Mustang……Damn….that’s when I made my life’s greatest resolution….fast cars, faster life and the fastest of women. And that’s when for me, my story begun.

Reality started to dawn on me when my High school music coach (am allowed to speak like a bourgeoisie American, right?-okay music festivals trainer) removed me from the choir, but since I was the chairman of the Music club he blasted me that I was so hoarse I did not fall in either of the four musical structures (i.e. bass, tenor, alto or soprano).  Those who heard it from me of course had a version that goes something like I was so gifted my voice was ondiekitone and it was even better than Lil Wayne’s auto tune… but  I am intelligent enough not to lie to myself and nobody has ever heard me sing. So being a superstar singer was out. Dreams have a way of morphing and so did mine, to be a young rich billionaire; throwing crazy social parties swooned over by the Chiquittas wanting rides on my red Ferrari.

Those are the dreams, the reality is grimmer; I have four dates tomorrow. And no, three of the chiquittas aren’t hot, in fact on a scale of 10 on my Ondieki Scale they have like 4.5 at most, and the fourth is a Facebook blind date with a profile picture of a celebrity, no need in being told that that means, simply…

Oh and the answers to the questions were women and dreamer


next week I will tell you how I started dating

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